Killing POTTER INC without Avada Kedavra
by Marilena
Summary: Apparently a Harry Potter parody! Just for laughs, don't expect a plot. This is a Christmas fic for my lovely friend Shaitanah! Merry Christmas to her and everybody!


Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related….blah blah blah blah blah

readers fall asleep

In short words: NOT MINE.

A big thank you to islington bus no. 199, the bata of this fic. You are amazing!

Here is the requested parody for HP! **MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!**

_**Shaitanah,** this fic is for you! Lots of wishes!_

Killing POTTER.NC without Avada Kedavra

**Potter:** I… was a _wonder boy_.

I grew up to become the perfectly rebellious teenager that everyone couldn't decide whether they hated or loved…

I received many blows on my way to the top…

Killing curses, torturing curses, badges on the brow….

I… **did **survive.

Besides, that was just Ron envying my super cool abilities and fancy mark.

But we're best pals now. I took him to a body painter and he got over it.

I digress.

I was a superboy…

My greatest attributes were secrecy and effectiveness…

Except for when I started yelling at the most inconvenient moments. But that is COMPLETELY irrelevant since I was practicing Banshee singing.

Now I have the most expensive broomsticks and beautiful women… (Hey, she doesn't even wear her radish earrings anymore! (beam))

Now I **fight** against crime…

I **fight **again darkness…

I **fight **against vice…

My name is Bon- uuuh…Potter.

Harry Potter.

**Voldemort:** And I'm Moaning Myrtle! Nice to meet you, handsome…

**Potter:**What the purple flying Dudley?!?!

**Voldemort:** We've met before, remember? When I was watching you strip for me… (suggestive multiple eyebrow lift)

**Potter:** Voldemort?

**Voldemort:** I thought we said that already, honey. Moaning Myrtle, nice to meet you. (eyelash flutter)

**Potter:** There is NO WAY you survived! I mean, I locked you in a room with a Paris Hilton CD at max volume!

**Voldemort:** I woke up a few days ago, I don't know what happened. I remember horrible screeching sounds and then pooof! I woke up! And guess what? My favorite goldfish, Dumbledore, was nearly out of water! But I gave a nice cry and he's happy and swimming now!

**Potter:** You named your goldfish Dumbledore? (wheels running) Owww, you must think you're Moaning Myrtle, your first victim! That must be it!

**Voldemort:** So, I'm not Myrtle? B- but I remember you undressing, your well toned muscles-

**Fangirls:** SIGH!

**Voldemort:** your fabulous back-

**Fangirls:** SIIIIIGH! (faint)

**Voldemort:** your tiny-

**Fangirls:** Ewwww!

**Ron:** Hey, what's going on, here?

**Fangirls:** (nothing happens for a few moments) …**HUUUUURAAH!!**

**Ron:**

**Ron:**

**Ron:**

**Author:** (looking around) Where the hell is Ron?

**Fangirl #1:** I GOT HIM!

**Fangirl #2: **I GOT HIM TOO!

**Fangirl #1:** That's his leg you're holding…

**Fangirl #2:** Oh yeah. And you're holding his arm… Uuuum, have you seen his bottom anywhere?

**Potter:** Poor Ron… Another war victim! (loud sobs)

**Voldemort:** See the bright side. They left you alone.

**Potter:** Oh, you're right! Hell, let Hermione wipe for him… My extra smart, beautiful-although-ugly, friend. She **will** be brave. She's a warrior who fought against the forces of dark magic... (Braveheart soundtrack)

**Hermione:** (flour on nose, meatball at hand) Roooooonie….. Roooonie, darling where are you? Aaaah… there you are, I can see your f- **RON! NOOOOOOO!!**

**Potter:** Lucky my shoes are waterproof.

**Ron Jr., Ronnie , Harry Jr., Arthur Jr., Mollie Jr., Fred and George Jr., Ronnilo, Ronnieronnieboo , Hermi , Hermiepie:** Daaaaaaaaaaaad!

**Potter:** Where did **these** come from??

**Hermione:** (Between sobs) Ask the fanfiction writers… Sniff, sniff. Victor will be sooo disappointed… He wanted to do it himself. We even had the hairdryer hanging from a rope above the bathroom… sniff sob sob.

**Potter:** Oooookay. (backs away, falls on Voldemort.)

**Voldemort:** Puuuuuuuuurrrrrrr…..

**Potter:** Stop snuggling me!

**Voldemort:** Will you marry me? I'll do the laundry, I promise!

**Potter:** No!

**Voldemort:** What did you say?

**Potter:** NO! Not now, not tomorrow, not in a million years, not when Lost will be complete!

Voldemort squeezes Potter on the floor like a cockroach.

**Voldemort:** evil voice WRONG ANSWER!

**J.K Rowling:** Hmmm… Nice idea for a novel: "Pride and Potterjuice"… (takes off running)

**Voldemort:** NOBODY says NO to MOANING MYRTLE and lives!

**Hermione:** Uuuum… you know, actually you're Lord Voldemort…

**Voldemort:** Nice nail polish, honey. **FUCKING STUPID MUDBLOOD BITCH!!**

**Hermione:** See?

**Voldemort:** No, that was my Tourette's syndrome, sweetheart.

**Hermione:** Gosh, and here I thought Ozzy was crazy… Anyway, gotta go, Victor is waiting. Do whatever you want with the munchkins.

**Voldemort:** Your children?

**Hermione:** Yeah… those. Whatever.

Voldemort is left alone. He stands there, not sure exactly what to do until a mirror appears.

**Mirror:** I'm the mirror of truth… Come to me and I'll show you your true self… That's why that politician, whose name started with a 'B', I don't remember his name now, made a new running record. I showed him Pamela Anderson when she wakes up in the morning.

**Voldemort:** Ouch, that must have hurt…

Voldemort makes slow steps towards the mirror. He looks at his reflection.

Silence

Silence

Silence

Sileeeeeeence

Sileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeence

Then

**Voldemort:** BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA! BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUUUUUUUUWWHAHAHAHAHAHA!! **I AM LORD VOLDEMORT AND HARRY POTTER IS DEAD!** NEIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH! NEIIIIIIIIGH! NEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!

**Big, black, bad horse from Lost:** sulking That last one was **MY** line.

BOOM! FLASH! BOOOOM!

**Ex big, black, bad horse from Lost: **MUUUUUUUUUUUW….

**Voldemort:** (evil grin) Okay, who's in for some Potter-head soccer?

-----------------------------------

So, did you laugh?!? Tell me!

And MERRY CHRISTMAS! Again.


End file.
